One year, one month, and three days. It has been that long since I last wrote a post. I’ve felt the urge, sure, but there’s always something holding me back. Usually lack of motivation. Sometimes I just think I don’t need it anymore. Other times I find something more interesting (but… really… the things I choose aren’t THAT interesting) to do instead and push all my feelings away.
Good news is; I’m still here. I left last time in a very dark and sad place. And I was really hurting for a while. I actually thought I had written since then, but I guess not. Most would assume that maybe I had actually done something I had planned to do which would have explained the disappearance. Sadly… for all 6 of my followers, who do not, in fact, know me and likely don’t follow that closely, I am still here. Or maybe not sadly. Depends how you see my posts, I guess. Could be disappointing, but who knows. 😉
Some things to catch myself up on from a year ago. Clearly, I have gotten over that huge hurdle I found myself trying to jump over. I am in an extremely better place mentally at this point, which is amazing for me. Just like back in elementary and high school, I dealt with it on my own. I didn’t need help. I didn’t need drugs that cost more than rent. I just needed to let myself sort it all out. And I did. Not to say I’m the happiest person alive, but my and myself? We’re on good terms.
Someone I’m NOT on good terms with, however, is someone who I was extremely close with. My best friend of… about 10 years. Honestly… I’m not going to dwell on this… Since October, I haven’t said more than 5 words to her. And they were said within the 5 months I still worked in the same building as her. Thank the gods for a career change. Not a great one, but that’s another story. This story is short. In retrospect, I should have kept it over years ago after England. I should have never contacted her again and apologized for doing absolutely nothing wrong. Cause… really… I didn’t do anything wrong. I realize now, after all these years, that I was used. I was only her friend when she needed me. Not when I needed her. I spent time, money, and a lot of emotions on someone who probably didn’t deserve it. She wasn’t even there for me when I considered killing myself, despite all the times I was there for her. So if that isn’t any indication of how things were, I don’t know what is.
But honestly… things just all kept adding up. Stacking on top of each other until I couldn’t carry them anymore. New boyfriends mean that she turns into the exact same person she was before and during England. And I’m surprised I didn’t see it coming, even when I told her to go for it. Because… I’m a good fucking friend. And obviously very stupid. So I snapped finally. And by snapped… I actually just closed up completely and severed all contact. One day, I just suddenly stopped talking to her. I honestly don’t even think she knows what happened, even now.
I guess… If you ever read this, Nicole… You were a shitty friend when I needed you most. Because you were yet again too sucked into a toxic fucking relationship like you always find yourself in. And when your engagement or possibly marriage (in however many years that takes to happen) fails, I won’t be there again to pick you up and help you fix yourself. I won’t be there to talk you down and bring you back to earth. You can rely on all your other fake friends. The other ones that have their own failed relationships and insecurities about bullshit their significant others haven’t even done yet. Dealing with it by posting 7000 pictures a week of them in loving embrace and posting their love to the person at each weekly milestone. I’m not petty… I’m really not. I’d rather be single than be insecure and feel the need to justify posting my claim on a human being every chance I get so everyone can be forced to see how “amazingly happy” we are together. I just hate bullshit. From them and you. And you really know how to pick the nastiest, smelliest pieces every time.
That felt good. Not gunna lie.
Now speaking of relationships, that’s not going too great either. I’m going to reiterate… I’m not jealous of those mentioned above. It’s not jealousy talking. It’s honest feelings of how unbelievably ridiculous human beings are in relationships these days.
As for my own relationships, things just keep going… the same, I guess. I think I’m realizing that I’m just the person that dudes would only want if they weren’t with someone else. But.. since they are… too bad for me. It is something that doesn’t fail. And I’ve heard it a thousand times before. And for some reason, every time, I forget. I’m surprised. And I self-sabotage. I know there’s things I shouldn’t do or say, but I do it anyways. Why wouldn’t I? I’m just so used to it. But because of this, I can’t get any further with someone than a short little fling or one night stand. Not because I want to, but because they just leave.
Part of it has to do with my anger when someone bails on plans. Though twice now, I’ve been the bad person for actually ACCEPTING it. And being cool with it. Maybe it seems passive aggressive? I don’t know. But twice it has happened where I gave a guy the benefit of the doubt and gave them an out. Or let their bailing fly. And what happens? I’m the bad guy. They stop talking to me… cause apparently I’m the jerk. Not them for being the ones to bail on plans for (in all honesty) really stupid reasons… no… it’s me.
I’ll explain the latest one: Went out with a guy, it was awesome… he came over the next night and things got exciting, to be vague. We made plans to hang out the next week. The day of comes around and I (after explaining how often this happens and how I hate people that bail and make me the one who has to message first on the first date we had) send him a message, asking if we’re still on. Hours later, I get a message saying his car died and he’s been dealing with that all day. Bit of back story, the plan was, I drive there and we hang out. Me. I drive. No second car needed. I also want to mention that all bloody week, I was sending the first message. And getting short messages all week. When normally, it was mixed between us both. Like something switched. So back to the day of, I tell him I totally get it. It’s not a huge deal. We can reschedule if he’d like, which he brushes off. So I remind him that it would have been me driving there anyways, so if he decides to hang out, he can change his mind. But he says he’d be bad company. So we’ll “figure something out later”. Well later never came. And I was stubborn and didn’t send messages anymore like I had been doing. So I got nothing back. A week later, I sent a message saying that I assume from the lack of communication that I guessed he wasn’t interested. He didn’t even bother responding. And I knew he wasn’t dead or anything… since his posts on Facebook would come up on my feed every damn day. In fact, once not long after I sent that text. Guess I wasn’t worth it.
Like I said… this shit just keeps happening. I’m the bad person because I tried.
So now I get to why i even decided to write tonight. Yet again… I’ve somehow let myself fall into the trap of thinking things were okay for me in this part of my life. Relying on another human to be actually decent. Thinking that maybe things would change. Thinking it would be okay to get excited again. And, as always, I was wrong. Once again someone bailed on me. And there’s still been no reason. No response. Talked last night about plans. I just had to wait for a message about it today. An address.. whatever. And of course… that never came. Two hours after the time we talked about. And it’s not like this hasn’t happened before with this person. It’s happened twice. And I’m an idiot and let it slide again.
Fuck I’m an idiot.
Like… I’m upset and shit. I’m bothered and annoyed with myself… but even after this short time, I may be fine. I’ll tell him off and hopefully be smart enough to cut him off completely. Here’s hoping. But why am I not mad? Because part of me thinks I might be in love (or something…) with someone else. With an ex (honestly don’t even know if we were actually “dating”, but we’ll leave it at ex) who chose someone else over me. Recently we’ve gotten back in touch. Recent being like… October last year… haha. But hanging out again is kind of new. And the first time was actually kind of hard. I missed it. I missed him. There were little things that made me feel something. Lingering hugs… A hand on my lower back. But I put those feelings away. The second time, things escalated slightly. Lingering lasted a lot longer on his part. We talked about him being unhappy. How he wasn’t sure what he wanted. And afterwards, when we were both home, he told me he wanted to kiss me. And I agreed. Maybe stupidly. But the last time… as he left my car, he did kiss me. And fuck that was painful. I drove home crying. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted it so badly. But I knew what it could screw up. and what if the people I had talked to about it were right? What if I was just an escape? What if I was just convenient? I still don’t know, even after talking to him about it. But I’m constantly wanting things I can’t have. People I can’t have. And I’m really just hurting myself, honestly.
I even tried to weigh the possibilities. Go after it and be an extremely awful person, just deal with it and always feel awful about it… or… just cut contact all together. And every single situation has cons that outweigh the pros. And I can’t decide. I don’t know how to decide. But what choice do I have? In all situations, someone gets hurt. Do I worry about someone else? Or just me?
Dear diary: I have a dilemma. And you can’t help me.
So that’s that for now. Maybe I’ll start forcing myself to write more. Really… this is all for me. Though reading back is… really hard at times. But It’s mine. And I want to remember. I may be in a better place mentally almost always, but still… we all have moments.
-Steffanie
Ramblings From The Offensive Tongue 